Recently I read a quote in Maestro Victor’s quotes collection that stated as follows:

In my early days as a maker, I had this Dell computer, given to me by my father. This device was many things, but not fast. And I loved it. All I needed back then was to have a terminal going, an IDE and a browser. This computer couldn’t even satisfy that. If I had two browser tabs open, or even played music, all hell would break loose. This device gave me extra-ordinary power in writing code, because I was limited to the power of it. And before that I used to code on a CASIO PRIZM calculator, it was so slow that every single line of code had its effect on the speed and you had to sit and wait for the whole screen to be filled with text if you had only a few print lines.

Back then, I was trying my best to optimize the codes and make interesting things. Creativity was all over the place. Yet, once I grew up I got more and more fancy things. The first was the mac. Mac gave me so much power and ergonomics that I could go bigger and bigger and do more and more. This was amazing. I didn’t spoil myself in mac, I used every inch of its power to do bigger things and fulfill the dreams and desires that I had.

I spent the rest of my life coding while listening to something for starters.

But then I got a job and were exposed to money. Oh money spoiled me… Before it, I was a very adoptive person, I could reuse the things I had for anything, my rooms was a mess, and I spent nothing or everyday life objects but the tools that empowered me. (when you have limited resources, you use them for the highest of priorities). Some moons ago, I was looking at my new life. It was glorious. Everything was new, everything had their place and was for their specific need and job, there was no mess, there were no unorganized ugly things. But then it felt bad.

For so many years I had put all my powers in my creativity. And for that I had to live a certain way to keep my power. Now days I find waste. I see these malls and restaurants, they have so many parts and materials, it feels like there was no limit to their budget. There are so many great things used to build them, and I think how? How do they have all these things? I see a lamp that I used to want so much, so deeply, and they are there used in huge quantities just to light up a portion of something that doesn’t even seem to be there. It is just strange.

And my mind cannot perceive this. All these materials used for what? I get a We sent humans to moon on a 32kb computer and now everyone has a super computer in their pockets used to browse instagram moment.

All these things, feels like a waste. And on the other side, they have gave me a nihilistic world view that I see things are fixed by buying solutions. I don’t want to create hand-made things, and solutions myself. Although it was power and my sense of self-worth, I like to have shiny new things that I can sit and look at. What should I do about this? I have no idea.

I don’t want to become just an ordinary person that has no leverage in life, and on the other side it feels that I love the new world where everything is just wright and nothing is patched up. Then after all that I realize it has no resemblance to the real world and has made me so unconnected and out of touch.

I just don’t know, I need something to make me realize what I’m doing but I just can’t. I have such a hard time understanding what I want.

At some level, I would love to go back and become the weird person I used to be. Rely on me for what I do and have me as the power. Or be the person I am now, working and have the money as the power. Which is stupid but then I have become this. I just don’t know. I’m so lost in the thoughts.

I want to go back and I want to get out of all I have fallen into but I have no pathway out or even a vision of what I want to be. And they say when you have no vision, you become the slave to other’s visions.