Think of listening as a waltz, a dance that progresses in triple time: question, question, check; question, question, summary. Without frequent recaps and summaries to check understanding, it is easy to drift into believing that we have understood the story when in fact we have formed inaccurate assumptions about what we have heard.

Asking the other person to summarise from time to time is another useful way to share responsibility in a conversation, and it is particularly important if they are receiving new information as the discussion progresses.

We can check our understanding of the speaker’s emotions using questions like ‘Is telling me this making you feel sad?’ or ‘Do you feel angry while you are remembering this?’ Or we can name the emotion we observe, and check our observation for accuracy: ‘You sound excited about this. Are you?’ or ‘To me, this all sounds quite scary. Does it make you feel anxious?’ Offering our interpretation of the emotions we are observing may give the speaker pause for thought: they may have been so caught up in their emotions that they have not processed them.

Remember: you don’t need to know what to say. Listen fully, and don’t be distracted by wondering what to say next [...] Just listen. Trust yourself; just like feet move in rhythm to unfamiliar music, when it is time to speak words will come to you, and they will come from your heart instead of your head. The task is not to solve, it is simply to listen.

Occasional interruptions to check understanding don’t usually put the speaker off. In fact, they help the speaker to feel properly listened to. They also further slow the conversation. Reducing the speed at which someone pours out the mixture of ideas and emotions and words and memories and possibilities swirling around in their head helps them to express it more clearly. Often simply saying it out loud helps the person to review the whole situation and see a new way to deal with it.