A few days ago, I experienced an uncommon occurrence I hope no human is to ever experience. It was approximately 2 in the morning and Zea ♡ and I were about to sleep. Suddenly, we were shocked by the sound of explosions emanating from our window. Our cats, sensing the distress, were awaken as well. I did my best to dismiss the sounds as those originating from the near construction site. However, Zea ♡ insisted that these were explosions, more specifically, that the Israelis started the war. My attempt at assuring myself then fell into ashes the moment Zea ♡ opened her Twitter and we were faced with people from everywhere stating they had heard it as well. Not to mention, when CNN confirmed Israel has started something.

That night I felt such confusion, and in such extent that putting it into the words has left me perplexed.

Residing in Iran is permeated by chronic trauma. You are to be frequently encounter harassment, investigations, and even capture by revolutionary guards on the streets. The presence of military personnel on the streets adds to this pervasive sense of unease. The constant fear of government surveillance, capture, and torture looms large, extending to even seemingly innocuous activities such as drinking alcohol, having parties, engaging in public displays of affection, and even expressing a sense of self. And yet, war remains an incomprehensible concept to our psyches.

On that particular night, I experienced an overwhelming sense of fear, accompanied by the onset of seizures and intense stress. This state of fear persisted for many years, fueled by escalating tensions between nations that instilled a prevalent sense of apprehension. The economic impact of the strikes was the primary concern, but the specter of military operations and the ominous presence of rockets overhead cast an even darker shadow over our reality.

Under the profound influence of Neil Postman's words that evening, I experienced a deep realization. My perception of reality had been for greater good altered by the influence of television. As Postman elucidates, television transforms every aspect of life into a form of entertainment. Consequently, I found it increasingly difficult to engage with the seriousness of the ongoing conflict.

Several years ago, a tower known as Plasco collapsed into flames in Tehran. The incident was comparable to the 9/11 attacks. The tower was engulfed in fire, trapping individuals and firefighters within. And then, the tower collapsed, ending in the tragic loss of all those trapped. My mother was overcome with tears, unable to breathe as she watched the matter unfold on television. I, on the other hand, felt emotionally detached. Ironically, despite being aware of the grim reality, my senses perceived it as another television program. Having witnessed numerous distressing events in the past, I had become accustomed to such situations and was unable to react with genuine emotion.

It, and other similar events, were hard for me to express. I feared to be seen as insensitive. Yet things on television did not trigger me as much. I give it to the chronic trauma and the subsequent depression, but then it was the truth that I felt nothing. But when the military attack happened and I found myself in the reality being unable to accept it then everything changed.

Expressing these emotions proved challenging, as I feared being perceived as insensitive. However, television events did not evoke as strong a response within me. I give it to the cumulative effects of chronic trauma and the subsequent depression, which led to numbness. But when the military attack occurred and I found myself confronted with the harsh reality of the situation, everything shifted.

Today, I noticed the label of a barbecue sauce. The label had within it a joyful and cartoonish image, followed by a rather appealing yet somewhat foolish cartoon of a deceased cow. This realization struck me: the sauce indeed contains cow's dead meat. It occurred to me that all the elements surrounding me are intentionally designed to divert my attention from these harsh realities. To make a blind of it.

And so when this strikes happened, I realized I have live so long in a fake environment that my body can no longer digest the realities. Can no longer see death, and war, and harshness, and so on. To me the realities have become imaginary and fables of the past. I don't know what should I do.

When these events transpired, I came to the realization that I have resided in an artificial environment such an extended period that it has rendered my body incapable of comprehending the realities of the world. I am unable to perceive death, war, and harshness, and these concepts have become distorted and unreal to me. I am at a loss for how to proceed.