Much of my life, I guess I have had this battle inside of me where there are two groups fighting each other:
This battle is always between the sides that don’t know how to be each other. The simplist in my life gives me joy. To be able to do when the simplist is at work in my system, I get to do small things that bring me joy. Small projects that actually bring me joy. On the other hand, when I have the Maximalist in charge, it drives my hand and makes the quality of my life higher. It makes me see the world in the grandest ambition of all visions.
The Maximalist sets out the impossible visions; the beautiful futures to want and then the simplist makes the small incremental steps towards the big vision. Going in that direction makes me stronger in the world I live. It makes me popular and interesting to others; It makes me have something to move forwards to. But then when the work comes to its actuality, I do simple things and simple steps.
But the problem actually comes when I try to do something for work. I just realized something that makes my thinking different:
But then when the project is handed to me, I approach it with the reverse mindset.
And see; the problem here is that I can not start small while trying to do the work in 1285; I see the whole thing and starting small just feels wrong.
Yet the story is not that; it basically is the fact that when it comes to 1285; I have this huge need to do something huge and I have no idea why:
I don’t see them us me but friends in me which means I am someone else. And well, this has been such a complicated thing. I can easily see that:
My job has been to create a copy of School 42 (something that I have tried to avoid)
My job required me to manage risk (adding risk.) (I somewhat believe I have added to the problem.)
Somewhere around the lines of this document; I have lost what I wanted to say in the first place. But I guess the problem simply is that my expectations have gone astronomically high. That has probably also not been my fault. What should I do when my whole experiences in life have been about enriching things? That is why the life has become hard.
