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ANNO·​VICESIMO·​NONO·​DIE·​DVCENTESIMO·​QVINQVAGESIMO·​VITÆ·​POVYA
What Do I Want From Life?

What Do I Want From Life?

MyFearOfSuccess
My Fear Of Success

I believe this is clear and simple: I struggle with a crippling fear of success; simply because I think all of my life I have been told that success is either impossible or that it does not suit me. I always took this belief to the heart that I do not belong with the class of the intellectuals and so pretending to be must have their pity. That I am prone to be mocked. I always was afraid of trying to even remotely get near that zone. (I really do need therapy). But I guess more than this; it has been the fact that the culture in our family was utter conservation. Being afraid was the norm for quite a whole while. I have had entrepreneurial characteristics in me for my whole life. But then; there was always these things about our family not knowing what to do with money; what to do with this. And that. Things like this made me have a huge unreliability inside me that would have thought:

Doing these things require something in me that I do not have and henceforth if I put myself in such a risk; Then when the pressure gets to be more than what I have the capacity for; It will crush me because doing such things are way out of my league.

And this perhaps was true for a portion of my life; but today, I am questioning the very possibility of that not being true:

(I) I have read tech news; particularly Hacker News; every day for the past decade and a half. I know all the stories; success and failure. I am way more mature than everyone who I know has succeeded by doing stories.

MyLongAwaitedToBePublishedMediaTheory
My Long Awaited To Be Published Media Theory

Before I begin, I must confess that I have not fully read the works of Jean Baudrillard. I have read the Simulacra and Simulacrum and my understanding of it is that the idea of Hyper Reality does not actually grasp my understanding of Media. There is something more than Hyper reality at play when it comes to the modern life.

I was watching the Cyrano movie recently, and it captured all of my attention. The way they wore their costumes, the designs of that era. They were all amazing. Yet, the reason I loved the theme so much wasn’t the fact that it was extant at those times. If anything, those days basically sucked. Yet my understanding is that those days’ designs were awesome to me, because I experienced them in my good days.

a drawing of a stick figure labeled 'Me on a Good Day', an arrow pointing to 'GOING TO', an arrow pointing to a diagram of a movie theater with seats, and a label 'A movie theater / At home watching Cyrano', and then a box labeled 'The Essence of My Good Days' with a drawing of a figure inside, and a drawing of a figure with its arms up with the label 'Has with itself' + And therefore it augments the goodness of my day.

And this puts the greatness of Cyrano’s World Ethereality bounded with the awesomeness of my day. If I were to experience the world with which these characters lived. Not only my full exposure to their world deprives me of the joy I experience today, but it actually loses the context of my world that makes it shine.

a drawing of what appears to be a stage with lights and curtains 'In my world the world of theater is bounded to A good day.' + a drawing of a park bench with trees and ice cream cones + When I think about it I think about A sunny day where after the theater we probably have went to a park; got Ice Creams; shipped some stationeries + In this manner, their world became a service to our time, not something to experience within its own nights and its insight not have been dreamt earlier, or be dreamt in the future. + a figure showing a progression from theater to a park to a stylized figure + And the Elizabethan Elements of the Play to me became ornaments of this sunny day instead of their own context of an actual Gracy life.
Day's Context
Videos Watched
Cyrano (2021) - Every Letter
Open Books