Some days are horrible; however you arrive at it. they feel as if they are to crush your soul and there are no solutions to getting yourself out of them. Today started miserably and soon enough went to be one of the worst days of my life. I lost Patoo’s beautiful baby and she was the third of the babies we have lost.

Today Kamwa tried to run in the street and it was so dangerous. I was incredibly afraid when he/she tried to do it and felt the utmost extents of stress in me. Given how the recent years; and particularly the war has rendered me mentally to my edge of impossible repair; I have had a fairly bad day. Waking up with the memories of the war; with being so damaged and broken and then fights with Zee out of my bad behavior. Then it all came to the noon. Patoo’s kids came to me for food.

I warmed up some chicken I had for them and went to the Parking and gave it to them. Kamwa was happy; I hugged him/her and then saw the orange one for whom I still didn’t have a name fighting

with her food. It was one of the cutest things I had ever seen in my life. She would make these funny sounds and I would laugh.

And then an hour later, I was feeding the ugly green. A very stupid and funny cat in the neighbor that is both a bit evil and at the same time very funny as he has no brains and does the most stupidest of things.

In the middle of all of this then; this unnamed beautiful child wished to come to me and get some food as well. As she tried to run towards me; a car hit her — right in front of me — and in less than a blink of the eye I saw her body being pushed in front of the car and her beautiful motionless body sitting on the road.

I shouted; turned my head around and shouted again. then turned back and saw her again. Dead; motionless; out of this horrible horrible world).

I Lost my beautiful baby

For much of the life; life is sad and in so many dimensions. I love Patoo. just so much. She — after Teo — is the second cat I dearly love. And I love her just so very much.

When I found out that she has given birth to four more angels just like her, I was the most happy person. But at the same time the thought of her kids being even remotely harmed gave me nightmares.

I tried my best to keep them healthy and to feed her no matter what.

It was perhaps the worst of times for me as I had lost my job and for months — and still — didn’t have — and still don’t have — any money. And so; the pressure was even harder. In those days I would have prepared food for them and then the lack of electricity happened. Then they were in our parking and Patoo — as she heard the first sound of the generator — took them away.

I cried for so many days. but then Patoo came back for food and hope was again realized in me. I cooked them food every day and kept them safe but then war happened upon us. I was so shocked and for a few days went to my parents.

But I came back and kept feeding them. Protecting them. And then they went to be grown enough for me to see them. My lovely little children. Four beautiful children.

One of them I don’t know how was lost. One got lost by literally being lost; and then today I lost her.

My soul is crushed. I had never seen an accident; never seen someone getting killed; and it all happened before my eyes. And to someone I dearly loved.

Zee has instructed me to write as a way to deal with the trauma but it is just too much. My body hurts and I just can not bare it any more

I miss her.