I was leaving home and I saw Kamwa ’s toy ball the pet shop had gifted him… I wished I could remain home and cry the whole day today…
How others manage life? It is so impossible. I really can’t take it anymore.
Yesterday, Zea woke me up in the middle of the night and told me there was an earthquake of magnitude 4.5. She said the whole earth was shaken underneath her feet and the doors opened. I was already unable to handle the passing of my angel Kamwa and now there this was. I felt my circuitry exploding of overflow for a north of five minutes and then I passed away to sleep. What could I do?
I will never wake up, make Nespresso and look through the kitchen window to see Kamwa sleeping on top of the embassy walls on the side of the street again. I’m crying
You may think what a horrible person I am, having lost Kamwa . I’m writing these as a performative profilicity act, but it’s my desperate move to keep his memories for others. He deserves to be remembered.
And like other all bad days, it looks stunning outside…
Grief is the price we pay for love…
There was a scene in Person of Interest, that would say we all die alone, and Kamwa was that alone.
Tragedy is not that great work rarely exists, but it is that it requires people with enough nodes and tools in their facilities to understand it.
I like my new bag because it feels like a safe home you can move with you. My things are safe in it. What I couldn’t provide for Kamwa .
Anything in tho world is possible after all catastrophes. You can build cities after bombs, you can restore lost friendships, you can get hired back again, you can still buy that thing, but when you reach death, it is where you have nothing. No matter how hard you try, there no longer is any front to fight…
My mind is like one of these game characters that is trying to walk past the wall, but is blocked. I try to keep convincing myself there is a Kamwa to go back to and he isn’t there. I have to confront his absence and I have no idea how.
All the cats that I lost, I had a minimum of distance. Kamwa was my son, and I lost him…
Yesterday someone asked me how much I work? I told them I would work 7:30AM to 4:00PM as mandated and then go home and work till maybe 10, they asked why? I replied that I think this work is too much and that I have to do it. I still do. The loss of Kamwa is so heavy on me right now, but then I also have to move things forward. My body hurts and I must keep pushing.
I was commuting to work today, and he was listening to this song that was mocking people of a particular place in our country. There is still this belief that people on the city are in ways more cultured than those in town and villages here in Iran, and people very easily mock others because of that. It hurts right? it is being racist, and I was thinking that these things are fixed once you have more infrastructure.
Then I thought about computing, think about modern languages vs older languages vs assembly. Think about Rust vs C++ vs Assembly. In rust memory is safe and it is the most advanced, in c++ other things are safe, the memory is not, and in assembly no single thing is safe. But then on each level you have more freedom. What you can do in assembly in terms of freedom vs rust is just quite different. So what should you do? I somewhat feel that the safety and the way a programmer feels when they author a Dart or JavaScript code is amazing. More infrastructure underneath has made them loose some freedom but work much better. And it is less barbaric.
So what should 1285 be? I know that I’m deliberately destroying the ecosystem previously built, and I want to build a new one. (the classical music metaphor), but then am I making progress or going back to barbarism? I’m a bit afraid here.